TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally outside of place. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, sure, let's have A different spot where American Gentlemen can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Anyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, Trump Tower Damascus the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting awareness from international investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down service."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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